To anyone with ears forward, this is Cattain Niyu of the ZarrShip Enter Foraprize.
Lieutenant Myeer and I have found ourselves stranded on a deserted planet with a bad case of the munchies and not a quamp-rat in sight!
It all started during our journey to the Sixth Annual Slammon Farmer's Conference. Lieutenant Myeer insisted on driving our shuttlecraft (number 4-20) despite the fact that she was nipping out far more than I was. Somehow, she managed to veer us off course into the Fungengi Sector where we were caught unawares by a ringwormhole.
Once inside, we were surrounded by flesh-eating Fungulans intending to break open our skins. Panicking, Myeer hit the Unprobability Drive despite my repeated orders not to. The next thing we knew, we had crash-landed on a planet which we have never seen the likes of.
I ordered Myeer to be the first explorer on the new planet - as she had been the one responsible for discovering it - and roughly shoved her onto the highly oxidized surface.
thisisntpizmobeach She didn't suffocate, so I soon followed, checking to make sure that none of our surroundings were animate. 
youshouldhaveletmedrive Myeer noticed a nearby source of drinkable water, so she settled down for a detoxification session while I determined the condition of the shuttle.
detoxing After inspecting every nook and cranny, I proceeded to give the shuttle an olfactory scan.
snifftest Meanwhile, Myeer continued to be so nipped that she could barely keep her legs.
falloverdrunk I determined that the shuttle was not salvageable, and, in shock, attempted to come to terms with the loss. Will we ever find a way off this planet? Are we forever Lost In Space? 
youvedoneitthistime While I was sheltering in the broken remains of the shuttle, Lieutenant Myeer returned from her drunken swaying to find me lamenting our situation.
damagedbeyondrepair I roughly took her inside the ship and proceeded to blast her with my only working weapon, a Frizazer.
stopzappingme After Myeer was subdued sufficiently - and now suffering from a severe case of Motion Blur Sickness - I took her on an exploration of the immediate surroundings.
Most notably we found several large, hollow things floating in the air. My reaction was of concern, though Myeer merely giggled and said, "This is so nippy!"
whoatrippy With my trusty Drycorder and olfactory scanner, I determined that these objects posed no threat - perhaps they are some kind of dead tree?
whatisthisplace After I determined that we weren't in any imminent danger, I loaded up some supplies on my utility collar and led an expedition out of sight of our craft.
Though Myeer was still wobbling at this point, affected both by Motion Blur Sickness and high levels of TAC, I knew that she would still be able to run quickly and without giggling if any type of danger struck.
soberingup I found a cave that I thought might make a better shelter than our wrecked craft. I sent the Lieutenant in to explore, though unfortunately upon Myeer's return (due to intoxication) she could not remember what she had seen inside.
unknownterritory Unsure of what to do next, or where to find food, we retreated back to the wrecked shuttle to consult what was left of our AI system, also named 'The Orb'.
consulttheorb Unfortunately, as I had feared, it was so traumatized that it had a mental breakdown and began reprimanding us for our reckless and insubordinate behavior.
damnorb It was ultimately up to me to find something edible before we were too weak to find any food at all. With luck, I spotted what appears to be a living tree with lush foliage, though it proved impossible to climb.
ohforahouseplant At last, Myeer proved her usefulness by finding an alternate route to the greenery - a talent she tends to excel at. Once again, I urged her to go first and make sure the terrain was stable.
exploration Alas it wasn't, but I made her continue to attempt the climb, pacing and growling until she finally managed to hang on and pull herself up.
climbs Once at the top, Myeer reported that she felt another wave of Motion Blur Sickness coming on and that she would fall without landing on her feet if she did not soon find a way back down.
pronetoblurriness Nevertheless, I commanded her to test the alien flora for toxicity before she did so.
falling As she was unable to keep her balance to get close enough, I finally struggled up myself. Sure enough, I found the surface to be highly unstable, though I was able to keep my balance.
claimthecouch However, it was seemingly for naught: According to my Drycorder, the plant was inedible. In addition, we found that a heavy rain fell any time we approached its foliage.
I assume that the water came from the plant, and if so, this reaction must be of some value. Perhaps it is some sort of defense system?
deadlyplantsornot Unrelenting, I did not give up my search for food. There must be something we could eat around here, I reasoned. It isn't like life forms on different planets are molecularly incompatible - a profound and mysterious fact I rightly have pondered.
scenicvista From my vantage point by the plants, I spotted a jungle of many twisted shapes only about twenty furlongs away. As Myeer had managed to climb halfway down by this point, I found that she was quite useful as a ladder on my way down.
Using my Drycorder diligently, I scanned the jungle for any signs of small prey species, such as those that might eat the foliage. None did I find, although I did encounter a wary-but inedible creature I might describe as a Dust Bunny.
treacherousjungle Safely wandering about the oxidized plain by this point, Myeer called to me, asking if I'd found any nip shrubs. I reminded her that it was highly unlikely I would ever find one again, seeing as we were unable to travel to any 'shrub-bearing planets.
wobbling After failing to find a single biteable life form, plus finding another type of raining plant that also induces itching and Motion Blur Sickness, I dejectedly returned to the crashed shuttle.
blurryisitchy Myeer was still wobbling around the plain, babbling a bunch of nonsense about nip shrubs solving all our problems and chortling profusely. I was livid to the nose.
ambushintoxicatedcat I then proceeded to chase the incoherent Lieutenant though the landscape - reminding her that nip shrubs cause more problems than they solve - whereupon she scrambled up a most oddly-shaped, growth-covered rock.
stopstalkingme While examining the growths for toxins, I noticed a scuttling creature in the rock, trailing what appeared to be a large white tag. Listening closely, I determined that there were a pair of them. I dived into a hole in the rock and managed to catch one.
Myeer went after the other but was too disoriented to successfully pounce and it ran right into my claws. Even as I was preparing the carcasses to eat, Myeer was still mystified as to where the tag-bearing creature had gone to.
stowaways In the end, we managed to find a warm place to sleep and to have a good meal - though somewhat bland - and our survival now seems hopeful.
Though we still have the munchies. Bad.
Cattain Niyu out.